


Maybe wars aren’t meant to be won, maybe they’re meant to be continous

by EpoImagines



Category: Dare Me (TV 2019), Dare Me - Megan Abbott
Genre: Angst, Depression, F/F, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-17
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:22:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22776346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EpoImagines/pseuds/EpoImagines
Summary: Beth Cassidy never had an easy life, but she’s used to being Top-girl. Now she’s back on top, but with her pyramid crumbling below her. (post ep 1x07)
Relationships: Beth Cassidy/Addy Hanlon, Colette French/Addy Hanlon
Comments: 5
Kudos: 63





	Maybe wars aren’t meant to be won, maybe they’re meant to be continous

Beth just wanted to breathe.

To be able to sit, and feel the air fill up her lungs, pump her blood full of oxygen, and release.

But she couldn’t. Instead, all she felt were the walls closing in around her as her vision swayed with every step, one breath away from passing out.

She can’t sleep, because when her eyes close all she can see is Kurt. Kurt with his nails digging into her thighs, as she stands upon the pyramid in the dark room. Kurt, with a blood-curdling look in his eyes, as his grin widens more than she thought possible. Beth just wants to go to sleep, so she can forget about the horrendous dinner with her family. 

Beth scoffs at the idea.

They haven’t been a family since the day her dad left. Hasn’t been one since her mom picked up the hobby of alcohol. Since Casey.

Casey.

Beth feels the anger coursing through her veins as she thinks of the devilish girl. The girl who ruined her life, who picked up the crumbled ball of paper that was her family, and tore it to shreds. 

The girl who had to get so drunk that she ruined the one night that made Beth finally feel normal. Finally loved.

But Beth wasn’t loved. If she were, Addy would be here right now, to fix the damn broken air conditioning. If Beth were loved, Addy wouldn’t have changed her phone’s wallpaper to show Perfect Colette French in all her adulterous glory.

If Beth were loved, she wouldn’t be in this position.  
Addy would know what happened with Kurt. She would see, the way Beth’s eyes get more dull as the days pass by.

And so Beth lays under a pile of blankets and pillows, shivering from the air conditioning, hyperventilating from the crying, and perfectly still as her mind wanders.

___________________________________________

Everyone is waiting for them, she knows.  
Beth knows that Coach is wondering why Addy isn’t out there yet, but she has to know.

Beth needs to know why she isn’t enough. What about her makes her so unworthy of love? Why can’t Addy, her girl, notice that no, she isn’t okay. 

Beth knows that she shouldn’t do this, that the tears will ruin her make-up, and if she’s late she could ruin the entire team’s chances. She knows it’s selfish of her to demand answers from Addy, who she has only ever treated like a loyal side-kick. She knows, she knows, she knows. But if Coach French can know cheating is wrong and still do it, isn’t Beth allowed this? Beth just wants to know why everyone leaves her in the end. Why her dad left her for Casey. Why her mother constantly leaves her for the alcohol. What has Addy seen, that is causing her to follow in the others’ footsteps?

“She isn’t you”.

Beth doesn’t allow herself to feel the full force of the punch Addy has thrown. No, instead she files it for later, paints a grin sharper than the Joker’s, and runs out to perform. If there is one thing she can do right, it is putting on a mask and performing.

_________________________________________________________

Everyone is celebrating.

On the bus to return home, everyone is happy and excited.

But Beth? Beth feels like she is riding in a hearse, not a bus. She dreams that she is lying in a casket, being carried to her own funeral, where she will be dropped into a hole of dirt, while no one bats an eye. 

Her hood is up and she’s staring at the window, but her eyes don’t see the trees as they pass, nor the people as they drive. All Beth’s eyes see is Kurt and Casey, piling the dirt over her coffin. Realistically, she knows the team would be in attendance, and her mother would be there to try and get sympathy money. 

But Beth doesn’t care for false sympathy, and it seems her nightmares don’t either. Music may be blasting in her ear, trying to drown out the joyful laughter and shouting, but all she hears is empty silence.

Why can’t her life always be as silent as it is right now in her head? No one to target her for needing what she wants, like Coach. No one to rip her necklace off so hard it breaks the clasp, like kurt. No one to use her for money. No one to make her feel so worthless. Beth may want, no, need, to be top-girl, but she never asked for all the noise inside her head.

She can feel Addy’s eyes pass her over. She can imagine the look Addy must be sharing with Coach. And all Beth wants, is for someone to see right through her.

_______________________________________________

Back home, Beth finds her mother already passed out in bed, an empty bottle of vodka sitting on her bedside table. She finds the mirror in the bathroom, and her eyes begin searching for any remnants of the pain Kurt has caused. When she finds no bruises remaining, her mind begins to panic. Another shred of evidence is gone. Gone are the marks that could turn Addy back to her.

She isn’t you.

Gone with the bruises fades Beth’s closest friendship. Relationship. Her girl. 

Feeling the tears fall down her cheeks, Beth looks up into the mirror. The eyes that stare back are ones she no longer recognizes. Devoid of life, devoid of purpose. But as quick as her brain can register it, the eyes are gone, and instead lay a pile of glass shards in the sink and on the floor. Beth lifts her now bloodied hand up, and sees little clear shards, sprinkled with red, resting in the knuckles of her shaking hand.

Beth knows she should clean the mess up. She knows she should remove the glass out of her hand. Knows that she needs help.

But the pain that lingers? It makes Beth feel alive again. Like she is actually existing, and not some fictionalized persona. She is real, and Beth cannot bring herself to remove the one reminder that remains. So instead Beth trudges to bed, and curls under her covers.

Beth knows she shouldn’t use pain to help her breathe. 

That she should talk to someone.

And it hurts to know the truth. Honesty doesn’t always bring peace. But Beth won’t be fooled again, into thinking that someone actually loves and cares for her.

Because now Beth knows better.

**Author's Note:**

> first work i’ve done, please comment so i can improve and continue. thank you!


End file.
